Dear Emmie

Today I woke up with the sunshine peeking through my blinds as my alarm screeches at me to wake up. I stretch my toes and my arms in my blankets before I slide out of my nice warm bed. I realize my body is feeling normal today, back to my self. I have had really bad Migraines ever since I left the hospital. I have never had migraines before. The first night I got one, I told my husband that I thought I was dying and something seriously must be wrong with me. I felt like my nose was going to start bleeding and I swear my brain was going to come out with it. Then I realized that it was called a “Migraine.”

It is good to wake up with out one today! It has been 2 days in a row with out one. I am crossing my fingers that it will continue. It is coming up on 2 weeks of having a miscarriage. I can’t say it has been easy. It has been a whirl wind. It is nice to wake up feeling semi normal today.

I am happy to wake up to sunshine and 3 beautiful kids. They asked for french toast this morning. Usually that is something that seems so time consuming and messy that I tell them no. I have decided to start saying Yes more. I have realized how much I say no. I am realizing I need to take the little time it does take to enjoy and enrich every moment with my sweet children. Over the sizzle in the pan standing their in my jammies making them french toast, I am listening to them talk about how they are excited to go to grandpa’s today and how their uncle and cousins are coming to visit this weekend. I realize how much I have been missing out on. The little time here and there before and after school. The simple time it takes for these moments and how important it is. After their bellies were filled with the yummy nutritious breakfast, rather than some sugary cereal that they normally get. My son sits back and says, “Ah, Thanks mom. That hit the spot.” I smiled, laughed, and will cherish that moment. “That hit the spot.” Something that echoed in my ears. He didn’t realize at that moment. Sitting eating with my children listening to them, “That hit my spot.”

I can only say through all of this. Even though hard, miserable, and heart wrenching. Good things are coming from it. Every so often in life I am reminded of how important it is to be a good mother. This time it was extreme. But I can honestly say that I am thankful for my trial. For the light it is shining on my life.  This pretty much has scared me in a good way, to remind me EVERY DAY that today is a day to cherish, to change, to keep your promises, to be motivated, to say YES,  to love, to laugh, and to not sweat the small things. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter that your daughter wearing a NEW white t-shirt just spilled bright red cranberry juice all over it, or that your son colors all over every wall that he sees with marker, or that your oldest son isn’t wearing socks with his shoes and has the stinkiest feet EVER,  or that you have a pile of laundry that could be named “Mt. Everest.” It is the little moments of reading a book or telling a story before bed, sitting and listening to your child’s dreams and ambitions, taking time to dream and to discover with them, making french toast and enjoying the morning together, that is what really matters in this life. I have had such an eye opening experience and can only be grateful for it all. I am still sad and heart broken, but I have my sweet husband and children to fill me with happiness and constant reminders of what is important in this life.  I pray that not all of us have to experience such pain to enjoy the good things. I hope those of us who do are able to help another by sharing our experiences. I hope my story will help one of you out there who feel the way I did before my miscarriage. I focused on all the small things that really didn’t matter at the end of the day. Enjoy the simple moments with your kids and husband, and yes, eat some french toast!