So, here is a list of things we do in our home as food substitutions. We have been doing all of these for about 2 years now. I can say our health has improved, knock on wood……. I have not taken anyone to an insta-care in almost 2 years! I totally believe it is how we eat that effects our health overall. So if your not ready to go cold turkey with eating 100% healthy. Here is my list that has helped our family get a little bit healthier! Since eating this way, I lost about 5-7 lbs and my husband around 15lbs. These are pounds that have totally disappeared. Not the once that bounce back and fourth everyday on the scale.

Today I woke up with the sunshine peeking through my blinds as my alarm screeches at me to wake up. I stretch my toes and my arms in my blankets before I slide out of my nice warm bed. I realize my body is feeling normal today, back to my self. I have had really bad Migraines ever since I left the hospital. I have never had migraines before. The first night I got one, I told my husband that I thought I was dying and something seriously must be wrong with me. I felt like my nose was going to start bleeding and I swear my brain was going to come out with it. Then I realized that it was called a “Migraine.”

It is good to wake up with out one today! It has been 2 days in a row with out one. I am crossing my fingers that it will continue. It is coming up on 2 weeks of having a miscarriage. I can’t say it has been easy. It has been a whirl wind. It is nice to wake up feeling semi normal today.

I am happy to wake up to sunshine and 3 beautiful kids. They asked for french toast this morning. Usually that is something that seems so time consuming and messy that I tell them no. I have decided to start saying Yes more. I have realized how much I say no. I am realizing I need to take the little time it does take to enjoy and enrich every moment with my sweet children. Over the sizzle in the pan standing their in my jammies making them french toast, I am listening to them talk about how they are excited to go to grandpa’s today and how their uncle and cousins are coming to visit this weekend. I realize how much I have been missing out on. The little time here and there before and after school. The simple time it takes for these moments and how important it is. After their bellies were filled with the yummy nutritious breakfast, rather than some sugary cereal that they normally get. My son sits back and says, “Ah, Thanks mom. That hit the spot.” I smiled, laughed, and will cherish that moment. “That hit the spot.” Something that echoed in my ears. He didn’t realize at that moment. Sitting eating with my children listening to them, “That hit my spot.”

I can only say through all of this. Even though hard, miserable, and heart wrenching. Good things are coming from it. Every so often in life I am reminded of how important it is to be a good mother. This time it was extreme. But I can honestly say that I am thankful for my trial. For the light it is shining on my life.  This pretty much has scared me in a good way, to remind me EVERY DAY that today is a day to cherish, to change, to keep your promises, to be motivated, to say YES,  to love, to laugh, and to not sweat the small things. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter that your daughter wearing a NEW white t-shirt just spilled bright red cranberry juice all over it, or that your son colors all over every wall that he sees with marker, or that your oldest son isn’t wearing socks with his shoes and has the stinkiest feet EVER,  or that you have a pile of laundry that could be named “Mt. Everest.” It is the little moments of reading a book or telling a story before bed, sitting and listening to your child’s dreams and ambitions, taking time to dream and to discover with them, making french toast and enjoying the morning together, that is what really matters in this life. I have had such an eye opening experience and can only be grateful for it all. I am still sad and heart broken, but I have my sweet husband and children to fill me with happiness and constant reminders of what is important in this life.  I pray that not all of us have to experience such pain to enjoy the good things. I hope those of us who do are able to help another by sharing our experiences. I hope my story will help one of you out there who feel the way I did before my miscarriage. I focused on all the small things that really didn’t matter at the end of the day. Enjoy the simple moments with your kids and husband, and yes, eat some french toast!

DEAR EMMIE STORE

{photos courtesy: Ty Be Be Photography.}

Here is a free 8 x 10 printable. I made this so I can look at it as a reminder to me of what is most important in this life. It comes in JPEG format so you can print this for your home. The High res version does not have the dearemmie.com on it. Please click here: DEAR EMMIE 8×10 PRINTABLE to download it in high res. Enjoy.

{Don’t download the picture on this blog, it is low res for the example picture.}

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to take it easy and that they wanted to see me this week. Luckily I already had an appointment in Utah scheduled for Friday. Wait, I live in Idaho. …… . . Why would I drive all the way down to Utah to see an O.B.? BECAUSE I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, him. Plus we were planning on moving back to Utah before the baby was due. I know I am crazy. But I LOVE him.

So Wednesday came, the bleeding was slightly worse, and miscarriage kept echoing through my head. I still had no cramping what so ever, so I was not totally convinced yet that miscarriage was the problem, but it was enough for me to call the doctor back and let him know I needed to get in a bit earlier than my Friday appointment. We packed up and drove down to Utah Wednesday afternoon after changing my appointment for Thursday night. They were not totally wanting me to come in earlier unless I started bleeding more and started cramping.

So Thursday was here, I cannot even explain the anxiety I felt as my husband and I tried to waste time until 4:30p.m. that day. We were FINALLY in the Doctor’s office waiting to see my doctor. I would tell you his name, But I totally referred him too much and now I have to wait forever because he is so busy…. Sorry. He is my best kept secret……

He had me go to his ultrasound room. As he did the ultra sound, I was holding my breath waiting to hear a little heart beat. Minutes past…… . nothing….. . . . .  My heart sunk. He told me he could see the sack that had developed and a little bit of the baby that started forming. He told me more than likely I was going to experience a miscarriage. I took deep breaths as I was trying to put on my big girl face and not cry in front of my doctor and husband. Let’s face it. It didn’t work. I broke down holding in the worst cry I think I have ever felt trying to come out of me. Tears rolled down my face as he explained the next steps to me. He said he wanted to do some HCG tests to make sure that this is what I was experiencing. He said he has seen miracles happen before and that time will only tell. So they took my blood and the levels were extremely high. His nurse told me that with those levels they should have heard the heart beat. So more than likely I would pass the tissue soon and miscarry. When the doctor left the room. I Whaled tears in my husbands shoulder. I don’t think I have ever cried that hard. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. We left the hospital, kind of in shock. Still not knowing really what was to expect.

Saturday came. I was passing a lot of tissue all day with EXTREME labor cramps. Around 1pm I thought I was through the worst of it all. Little did I know it was only the beginning. The day passed and I continued to hurt. That evening we went to my Husbands Grandparents home for a family get together.

I was telling my aunt and sister-in-law about what I had been experiencing all day. The emptiness that I felt inside. I felt a part of me was taken away. I then all the sudden felt a severe labor cramp. I immediately went to the bathroom. As I sat there, I lost 3 toilet bowls of blood. I sat there feeling so left alone at that moment. I was thinking, “Why lord, Why, and what should I do?”

I then had a text message from a good friend of mine right after that thought. The text said, “Mindy, I have been through something like this before. If you need anything or someone to talk to you can call me anytime.” I immediately started to cry. It was as if my heavenly father knew exactly who could comfort me at that very moment with what I was experiencing. I called her right away. I asked her what she experienced, if she bled like I was bleeding. She said no, due to the D and C her doctor gave her so that she wouldn’t experience it this way. She told me I probably needed to go to the E.R. After talking for a moment. I started to get VERY light headed. I told her I had to go. The next thing I knew I was lying on the bathroom floor, my phone in the toilet, and  waking up to my sister in-law who was screaming my name, and shaking me awake. Let me just tell you, If you ever have a medical emergency, I have the best family to be around if something goes wrong. They all took charge put me on a recliner, ice packed my head from my fall, put my feet up and put a blanket over me. They called 911 and had the medics there within 5 minutes.

All I could think about is that I didn’t want my kids to see me like this. Luckily they were in the backyard at the time. I just kept yelling, “Please go to my children and don’t let them see me like this, Please don’t let them see me like this.” I am so grateful for the women in my family that helped me that night. They then rushed me to the hospital by ambulance.

I was lying in the E.R. Scared, mad, sad, hurt, heart broken, and exhausted. My sweet husband trying to do anything he could to comfort me. You could tell it was breaking his heart to see me experience the pain I was in. He about passed out because of how distraught he was for me.  They did an ultra sound and saw the baby had not yet passed. They wheeled me back to my room thinking I would pass it soon. I laid there in extreme pain. My contractions were SO extreme and they were constant never giving at all. All I could think about is that it was SO much worse than giving birth to a full term baby.

I cried, I cried a lot. It felt like I had no time to grieve the pain of  hearing I lost the baby  and now I was feeling the physical pain of loosing it. I kept bleeding and the baby never came. I was SO frustrated. Asking “Why won’t it just come if it is going to come?”  Pushing so hard I totally thought they would see brains in my ears.

The doctor finally checked me about an hour later. They found out that there was calcified tissue from the the lining of my uterus and just a lot of other stuff that was all smooshed and hardened together, it was making it so that my baby in the small placenta could not be released from the uterus. As soon as he pulled the calcified piece out. Everything was then released from my body naturally.

My pain was instantly gone, my hot sweats gone, my baby…. gone. I can not explain this feeling to anyone except, if you have had children before. You feel as if you just had your hardest labor EVER, and nothing to hold in your arms after, nothing to go home with, nothing to fill the pain you just went through. I was left with the faith that I know this was all for a reason. A reason only our heavenly father knows.  Your body physically feels like you just gave birth and your left with the most empty feeling.

I couldn’t help but think of how our Savior Jesus Christ felt when he was on the cross. I wondered, in so much pain and suffering. Did he feel as if he was left alone too?  Did he feel empty inside like I felt in this moment? All I know is that he died with faith that this was the plan. For him. For me. For my baby. For all of us. The plan to save us all and to have us experience this beautiful life we have been given. This thought is what made me full at this moment in my life yet feeling so empty. As I lie there feeling left alone. I know that this is all in his plan. I know one day I will know the reason why. As for now, I am comforted by faith.

My heart aches for all the women out there who have had to experience this same thing. It is scary. Heart wrenching, and life changing. I cannot tell you how full my heart was to grab my little ones when they got home the next day after staying with my inlaws. It put a new spin on my world. It filled my cup even though I don’t have that little baby with me now. I have the knowledge that I will see that sweet little one again one day.  I pray for all of you who go through this same thing. It is not easy. You never think things like this can happen to you, especially after having 3 normal pregnancies. When they do, all you can think about is why? It makes you think about all the other women who experience this multiple times or never to experience pregnancy at all. I pray for all of you.

I know the good lord has a plan for us all. I know one day we will all know the “Why.”  But for now. Enjoy every little moment with those little ones you have or will have. Life is so precious. I know that this is such a personal moment. I feel as if I needed to share it though. It is helping me to get through it all. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I could and can feel them all with me. I could not be more grateful.

Tonight I go to bed tucking my children in, with a glass half full. Or should I say full……

If you have liked Dear Emmie on Facebook, you have got an idea why I have been M.I.A. lately. We moved from Utah to Idaho in January for my husbands job. Man it was a pain in the butt….. HATE MOVING……. but, we are FINALLY settled in and trying to enjoy the cold and windy weather up here….. I must say I have been SUPER home sick for Utah. There is just something about those HUGE mountains that make you feel at home. When you don’t have them close, it is almost like a family member is missing or something. Weird I know. If you ever come to Utah, you will see what I am talking about. Not to mention it is 10 degrees warmer there than here.

Any way, so then after moving up here to good o’l Idaho, we found out that we are expecting our 4th child! We are SO excited. I have been REALLY sick and super fatigued this pregnancy though. My other 3 I had morning sickness, but nothing like this though. Twins runs on 2 sides of my husbands side of the family and 1 side of mine. Everyone is joking that they think it is twins. I think I would literally have a heart attack if I found that I was carrying 2 babes in there. 5 kids under the age of 8 would be just a tad bit challenging while trying to run your own business! We are praying for 1 but if the good lord blessed us with more, I know it would be challenging but I would be grateful that he is trusting me to take care of more of his children.

Any how, So know that I am here. Just SUPER sick and trying to get through the day. Nothing is worse than being your own business owner trying to hold the house down and being SUPER sick all day and night. Hopefully here in the next few weeks it will let up so I can get back to designing.

Go there to check it out!!! Here is a tiny peek:

So I am posting some inspiration boards hoping that I can FINALLY pin point my style for this little design store of mine! Enjoy!

All the sources used in this collage can be found on my pinterest page here: My Style

The beautiful floral pictures are credited: Florabella Collection by Shana Rae {don’t you love them?}

The beautiful chandelier is credited: west-moreland I want it for my bed room!

The cute frame with the “I just want to make beautiful things frame” credited: Landeeseelandeedo So true.

Turquoise earrings credited: thezhush {have to HAVE THEM!}

Girl in cute outfit credited: Sydney Poulton From The Day book. thedaybookblog.com

The candy Jars credited 26 media. YUM.