This week I started my 12-13 week of pregnancy. I woke up early Tuesday morning with slight bleeding. I freaked out just a bit, because obviously bleeding during pregnancy is not a normal thing, at least not for me. Three kids healthy and just about perfect pregnancies, I felt something was not exactly right. Especially after being EXTREMELY sick the last few weeks.

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to take it easy and that they wanted to see me this week. Luckily I already had an appointment in Utah scheduled for Friday. Wait, I live in Idaho. …… . . Why would I drive all the way down to Utah to see an O.B.? BECAUSE I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, him. Plus we were planning on moving back to Utah before the baby was due. I know I am crazy. But I LOVE him.

So Wednesday came, the bleeding was slightly worse, and miscarriage kept echoing through my head. I still had no cramping what so ever, so I was not totally convinced yet that miscarriage was the problem, but it was enough for me to call the doctor back and let him know I needed to get in a bit earlier than my Friday appointment. We packed up and drove down to Utah Wednesday afternoon after changing my appointment for Thursday night. They were not totally wanting me to come in earlier unless I started bleeding more and started cramping.

So Thursday was here, I cannot even explain the anxiety I felt as my husband and I tried to waste time until 4:30p.m. that day. We were FINALLY in the Doctor’s office waiting to see my doctor. I would tell you his name, But I totally referred him too much and now I have to wait forever because he is so busy…. Sorry. He is my best kept secret……

He had me go to his ultrasound room. As he did the ultra sound, I was holding my breath waiting to hear a little heart beat. Minutes past…… . nothing….. . . . . My heart sunk. He told me he could see the sack that had developed and a little bit of the baby that started forming. He told me more than likely I was going to experience a miscarriage. I took deep breaths as I was trying to put on my big girl face and not cry in front of my doctor and husband. Let’s face it. It didn’t work. I broke down holding in the worst cry I think I have ever felt trying to come out of me. Tears rolled down my face as he explained the next steps to me. He said he wanted to do some HCG tests to make sure that this is what I was experiencing. He said he has seen miracles happen before and that time will only tell. So they took my blood and the levels were extremely high. His nurse told me that with those levels they should have heard the heart beat. So more than likely I would pass the tissue soon and miscarry. When the doctor left the room. I Whaled tears in my husbands shoulder. I don’t think I have ever cried that hard. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. We left the hospital, kind of in shock. Still not knowing really what was to expect.

Saturday came. I was passing a lot of tissue all day with EXTREME labor cramps. Around 1pm I thought I was through the worst of it all. Little did I know it was only the beginning. The day passed and I continued to hurt. That evening we went to my Husbands Grandparents home for a family get together.

I was telling my aunt and sister-in-law about what I had been experiencing all day. The emptiness that I felt inside. I felt a part of me was taken away. I then all the sudden felt a severe labor cramp. I immediately went to the bathroom. As I sat there, I lost 3 toilet bowls of blood. I sat there feeling so left alone at that moment. I was thinking, “Why lord, Why, and what should I do?”

I then had a text message from a good friend of mine right after that thought. The text said, “Mindy, I have been through something like this before. If you need anything or someone to talk to you can call me anytime.” I immediately started to cry. It was as if my heavenly father knew exactly who could comfort me at that very moment with what I was experiencing. I called her right away. I asked her what she experienced, if she bled like I was bleeding. She said no, due to the D and C her doctor gave her so that she wouldn’t experience it this way. She told me I probably needed to go to the E.R. After talking for a moment. I started to get VERY light headed. I told her I had to go. The next thing I knew I was lying on the bathroom floor, my phone in the toilet, and waking up to my sister in-law who was screaming my name, and shaking me awake. Let me just tell you, If you ever have a medical emergency, I have the best family to be around if something goes wrong. They all took charge put me on a recliner, ice packed my head from my fall, put my feet up and put a blanket over me. They called 911 and had the medics there within 5 minutes.

All I could think about is that I didn’t want my kids to see me like this. Luckily they were in the backyard at the time. I just kept yelling, “Please go to my children and don’t let them see me like this, Please don’t let them see me like this.” I am so grateful for the women in my family that helped me that night. They then rushed me to the hospital by ambulance.

I was lying in the E.R. Scared, mad, sad, hurt, heart broken, and exhausted. My sweet husband trying to do anything he could to comfort me. You could tell it was breaking his heart to see me experience the pain I was in. He about passed out because of how distraught he was for me. They did an ultra sound and saw the baby had not yet passed. They wheeled me back to my room thinking I would pass it soon. I laid there in extreme pain. My contractions were SO extreme and they were constant never giving at all. All I could think about is that it was SO much worse than giving birth to a full term baby.

I cried, I cried a lot. It felt like I had no time to grieve the pain of hearing I lost the baby and now I was feeling the physical pain of loosing it. I kept bleeding and the baby never came. I was SO frustrated. Asking “Why won’t it just come if it is going to come?” Pushing so hard I totally thought they would see brains in my ears.

The doctor finally checked me about an hour later. They found out that there was calcified tissue from the the lining of my uterus and just a lot of other stuff that was all smooshed and hardened together, it was making it so that my baby in the small placenta could not be released from the uterus. As soon as he pulled the calcified piece out. Everything was then released from my body naturally.

My pain was instantly gone, my hot sweats gone, my baby…. gone. I can not explain this feeling to anyone except, if you have had children before. You feel as if you just had your hardest labor EVER, and nothing to hold in your arms after, nothing to go home with, nothing to fill the pain you just went through. I was left with the faith that I know this was all for a reason. A reason only our heavenly father knows. Your body physically feels like you just gave birth and your left with the most empty feeling.

I couldn’t help but think of how our Savior Jesus Christ felt when he was on the cross. I wondered, in so much pain and suffering. Did he feel as if he was left alone too? Did he feel empty inside like I felt in this moment? All I know is that he died with faith that this was the plan. For him. For me. For my baby. For all of us. The plan to save us all and to have us experience this beautiful life we have been given. This thought is what made me full at this moment in my life yet feeling so empty. As I lie there feeling left alone. I know that this is all in his plan. I know one day I will know the reason why. As for now, I am comforted by faith.

My heart aches for all the women out there who have had to experience this same thing. It is scary. Heart wrenching, and life changing. I cannot tell you how full my heart was to grab my little ones when they got home the next day after staying with my inlaws. It put a new spin on my world. It filled my cup even though I don’t have that little baby with me now. I have the knowledge that I will see that sweet little one again one day. I pray for all of you who go through this same thing. It is not easy. You never think things like this can happen to you, especially after having 3 normal pregnancies. When they do, all you can think about is why? It makes you think about all the other women who experience this multiple times or never to experience pregnancy at all. I pray for all of you.

I know the good lord has a plan for us all. I know one day we will all know the “Why.” But for now. Enjoy every little moment with those little ones you have or will have. Life is so precious. I know that this is such a personal moment. I feel as if I needed to share it though. It is helping me to get through it all. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I could and can feel them all with me. I could not be more grateful.

Tonight I go to bed tucking my children in, with a glass half full. Or should I say full……